17 January 2004
To my beloved sons: Kong Chong, Kong Hin, and Kong Bing
On my thoughts on Age, Memories and Hopes revisited, and on what makes a family a family ___________________________________________________________________________________
On my thoughts on Age, Memories and Hopes revisited, and on what makes a family a family ___________________________________________________________________________________
Some time ago, I wrote to you that the Analects, circa 600 B.C., recorded that it was believed that at age 50, one knows, or should know, what Heaven will or will nor grant, and that by age 70, one accepts what must be done must be done. Only then can one say he is free of cares and free to do what the heart pleases.
Well, I have accepted most things that must be done since my heart surgery in January 2000. And I am grateful that my brood, or rather my and mummy's three sons have grown, got married, and settled down with their respective careers. Considering that parents of many children born in harder times have to contend with life's many hardships and still take great pride in their children's achievements, however small these achievements may be, one must conclude that there is indeed a place for everyone under the sun. And I am gratified that you had wisely agreed with me that it is infinitely better to choose being taught how to fish than to ask for fish for a meal, for the former endures and the latter does not.
I mentioned that in raising a family, the love and painstaking care that parents willingly give may not always result in reciprocation, which must sadden many hearts and darken many memories. I hope you do not become disheartened and disenchanted. For most children, in Singapore at least, are at heart well aware of filial piety and understand the meaning of the ancient cautionary saying:
Well, I have accepted most things that must be done since my heart surgery in January 2000. And I am grateful that my brood, or rather my and mummy's three sons have grown, got married, and settled down with their respective careers. Considering that parents of many children born in harder times have to contend with life's many hardships and still take great pride in their children's achievements, however small these achievements may be, one must conclude that there is indeed a place for everyone under the sun. And I am gratified that you had wisely agreed with me that it is infinitely better to choose being taught how to fish than to ask for fish for a meal, for the former endures and the latter does not.
I mentioned that in raising a family, the love and painstaking care that parents willingly give may not always result in reciprocation, which must sadden many hearts and darken many memories. I hope you do not become disheartened and disenchanted. For most children, in Singapore at least, are at heart well aware of filial piety and understand the meaning of the ancient cautionary saying:
which essentially means that filial piety has to be timely. It is of no consequence to the departed parents. The warning relates the story of a son who returns in search of his aged parents, to take up his duty to care for them which he was unable to fulfill earlier in his life, only to find that he has come too late. Hence his grief as symbolised by the howling of the winds. I am thankful that this time-honoured virtue in Asian societies in particular is accepted and respected in our family.
If you believe in filial duty and practise it, your children will notice it and will come to realise that it is only natural, right, and decent for them to try and return in some way the love and care they receive from you. In a small measure perhaps. If you show the way by your personal examples, your children will see that practicing filial piety is fair and good for the character and their moral fibre, and will set them apart from those who choose to be indifferent to their filial obligations and who will, more often than not, generally disappoint their parents in many other things in their lives. These are children who have no hesitation in taking what comes to them but would turn a deaf ear to conscience's call to give and serve. They are typically a stingy lot, calculating and ill-mannered. If I appear to be particularly critical of such children, it is because I find irresponsibility irksome.
For too long indulgent parents have been taking it lying down for fear of losing their errant children's love, a misnomer if you like. The worst cases are sometimes reported in the papers when families quarrel, involving children against parents and parents against children. In our modern context of hard realities, where you need to work hard and have your own other responsibilities, parents like us who are relatively able would naturally want to take as much responsibility of themselves as possible, if only to lighten the burden of their children in a meaningful way.
Unfortunately, many parents do need help and are sometimes reduced to a state of total dependence on their children for support. But even a man in the greatest needs of sustenance will not eat from the hand that insults and hurts. In any case, any semblance of arrogance is never justified and has no place in a family where warmth and loving sentiments should be found or the family risks disintegration over time. The moral here is that children should not be insensitive and regard seeing to their parents' material needs as similar to the giving of money to charity. Parents are aware that one who has little to ask of others, loved ones and one's own children included, parts not with his dignity and dignity is part and parcel of existence. As for us, there should be no doubt in your mind that we shall continue to provide for ourselves even as we enter the evening of our lives, for the simple reason that there is good sense, satisfaction, and practicality in our so doing.
So much for the respective roles of parents and children. From my observations over the years, I am inclined to believe that thinking parents who are responsible and reasonable are more likely than not to beget responsive children. The rest has to do with luck and divine intentions. You may find some of what I say to be not very flattering, but flattery will get you nowhere in life and I abhor insincerity. I have come to believe in carrying a light burden and living life simply, including giving up the car for reasons of my and Mummy's health, and for making traveling in the city, on foot and by train, more a joy than a stress. I also believe that I should not continue to entertain what bothers me, including angers and frustrations, and that the sooner these are off my chest the better it will be for a world thus made less cluttered.
I dearly enjoy my family and my grandchildren but I also enjoy taking charge of my own life and saying my say for as long as Heaven so permits. So much on my little philosophy on how to get on with life and face it squarely. As for Mummy, you cannot have a more devoted mother with a heart of gold to boot and we do look forward to celebrating our coming 50th year of wedded bliss with you. Hence making ourselves understood on where we stand on the ideal of this our cherished family is important and relevant. There is a little known emotional side to our needs and we want a joyous, deep, and meaningful spiritual relationship with you. For a superficial relationship has little or no substance, gives no warmth, and offers no commitments, and is as good as non-existing. A family built on a shallow foundation cannot withstand the test of time.
Growing old has meant time to take stock of one's life before it is too late. It has meant our increasing vulnerability to disease and the weakening and wearing out of our bodies by the day. Coping with my heart failure is an effort and a reminder of life's precariousness and uncertainty, not to mention Mummy' s earlier encounter with cancer and our many medical problems and other surgeries that Mummy and I have had. We pray therefore, that you will not take us for granted and be found wanting in life's little courtesy .
To you our beloved children, we appeal and hope that you will stay kind and gentle with us as we age, and that you will be considerate and sincere in whatever you may care to do for us, and pray do so with gladness and the fullness of the heart and with respect too, in order to enable us to fondly remember this family by. The years cannot be reversed and the decline cannot be stopped. Our paths may not cross again. If you heed our words and find our hopes not unreasonable, your loving mother and I would have achieved something worthwhile and need indeed, look no further for true satisfaction and contentment.
With deepest love,
If you believe in filial duty and practise it, your children will notice it and will come to realise that it is only natural, right, and decent for them to try and return in some way the love and care they receive from you. In a small measure perhaps. If you show the way by your personal examples, your children will see that practicing filial piety is fair and good for the character and their moral fibre, and will set them apart from those who choose to be indifferent to their filial obligations and who will, more often than not, generally disappoint their parents in many other things in their lives. These are children who have no hesitation in taking what comes to them but would turn a deaf ear to conscience's call to give and serve. They are typically a stingy lot, calculating and ill-mannered. If I appear to be particularly critical of such children, it is because I find irresponsibility irksome.
For too long indulgent parents have been taking it lying down for fear of losing their errant children's love, a misnomer if you like. The worst cases are sometimes reported in the papers when families quarrel, involving children against parents and parents against children. In our modern context of hard realities, where you need to work hard and have your own other responsibilities, parents like us who are relatively able would naturally want to take as much responsibility of themselves as possible, if only to lighten the burden of their children in a meaningful way.
Unfortunately, many parents do need help and are sometimes reduced to a state of total dependence on their children for support. But even a man in the greatest needs of sustenance will not eat from the hand that insults and hurts. In any case, any semblance of arrogance is never justified and has no place in a family where warmth and loving sentiments should be found or the family risks disintegration over time. The moral here is that children should not be insensitive and regard seeing to their parents' material needs as similar to the giving of money to charity. Parents are aware that one who has little to ask of others, loved ones and one's own children included, parts not with his dignity and dignity is part and parcel of existence. As for us, there should be no doubt in your mind that we shall continue to provide for ourselves even as we enter the evening of our lives, for the simple reason that there is good sense, satisfaction, and practicality in our so doing.
So much for the respective roles of parents and children. From my observations over the years, I am inclined to believe that thinking parents who are responsible and reasonable are more likely than not to beget responsive children. The rest has to do with luck and divine intentions. You may find some of what I say to be not very flattering, but flattery will get you nowhere in life and I abhor insincerity. I have come to believe in carrying a light burden and living life simply, including giving up the car for reasons of my and Mummy's health, and for making traveling in the city, on foot and by train, more a joy than a stress. I also believe that I should not continue to entertain what bothers me, including angers and frustrations, and that the sooner these are off my chest the better it will be for a world thus made less cluttered.
I dearly enjoy my family and my grandchildren but I also enjoy taking charge of my own life and saying my say for as long as Heaven so permits. So much on my little philosophy on how to get on with life and face it squarely. As for Mummy, you cannot have a more devoted mother with a heart of gold to boot and we do look forward to celebrating our coming 50th year of wedded bliss with you. Hence making ourselves understood on where we stand on the ideal of this our cherished family is important and relevant. There is a little known emotional side to our needs and we want a joyous, deep, and meaningful spiritual relationship with you. For a superficial relationship has little or no substance, gives no warmth, and offers no commitments, and is as good as non-existing. A family built on a shallow foundation cannot withstand the test of time.
Growing old has meant time to take stock of one's life before it is too late. It has meant our increasing vulnerability to disease and the weakening and wearing out of our bodies by the day. Coping with my heart failure is an effort and a reminder of life's precariousness and uncertainty, not to mention Mummy' s earlier encounter with cancer and our many medical problems and other surgeries that Mummy and I have had. We pray therefore, that you will not take us for granted and be found wanting in life's little courtesy .
To you our beloved children, we appeal and hope that you will stay kind and gentle with us as we age, and that you will be considerate and sincere in whatever you may care to do for us, and pray do so with gladness and the fullness of the heart and with respect too, in order to enable us to fondly remember this family by. The years cannot be reversed and the decline cannot be stopped. Our paths may not cross again. If you heed our words and find our hopes not unreasonable, your loving mother and I would have achieved something worthwhile and need indeed, look no further for true satisfaction and contentment.
With deepest love,
