written by dad's best friend
While we are gathered here to bid farewell to Joseph Tan Djoe Thay, with sadness, I have the honour and privilege, to share with you some reflections on the life of this gentleman, whom I normally address as Oom Djoe Thay or simply Oom, meaning uncle.
Oom was born 70 years ago in Jakarta, Indonesia. He was the eldest son of Mdm. Ong Pek Giok and the late Mr. Tan Hoan Kie. His father had substantial business investments in Indonesia, Singapore & Sarawak. In the 1950s his father moved the family to live in Singapore and subsequently in Kuching, Sarawak.
Oom married Auntie Nani in 1956 and settled down in Singapore, where his 3 sons, Dr. Tan Kong Chong, Tony Tan Kong Hin and Dr. Tan Kong Bing, were born and bred. Even though Oom settled down in Singapore, he made frequent and regular visits to Kuching, to visit his mother, his brother and sisters who lived in Kuching and to inspect his family business in hotel and plantation estates.
I have had the privilege and honour to know Oom since the late 1960s. Our initial acquaintance developed into friendship and by 1984, after his closest friend in Kuching, who was my father-in-law died, we became very close friends and confidants. After Oom’s 2nd son, Kong Hin married my foster daughter, Chan Lian Choo in 1991, Oom and I became relatives and our close friendship became even closer.
Over the last 35 years, Oom had shown me that he was a learned man even though he did not complete his University education. He was admitted as a student of the University of Malaya in 1954. He told me that after a few months in the University, he was asked by his father to leave the University & to help his father to manage the family business; and like a filial son that he was, Oom followed his father’s wishes, even though he would have liked to complete his education then. I have no doubt at all that Oom would have distinguished himself in any chosen field.
Because he sacrificed his own desire for a university education for the family business, which he had to manage after his father passed away in 1963 until he retired in the 1980s, Oom ensured that all his 3 sons received University education & encouraged them to go as far as they could. And through his guidance and encouragement all 3 sons have achieved their respective chosen professional status today. Kong Chong is a dermatologist in private practice at Orchard Delfi, Kong Hin is a General Manager in MediaCorp & Kong Bing is a pathologist at NUH.
Oom was very proud of the success of his 3 sons & his 2 grandsons, Calvin & Daryl, sons of Kong Chong and Siew Yin. Oom devoted a lot of time on the 2 grandsons. He had high hope and expectations of his 2 grandsons.
In his letter dated 17 January2004 addressed to his 3 sons, Oom noted with satisfaction on the achievements of his 3 sons and said:-
“And I am gratified that you had wisely agreed with me that it is infinitely better to choose being taught how to fish than to ask for fish for a meal, for the former endures while the latter does not.”
Oom credited his wife, Auntie Nani, for her part in building the family he was very proud of. In his said letter of 17 January 2004, Oom wrote:-
“As for Mummy, you cannot have a more devoted mother with a heart of gold as well, and we look forward to celebrating our coming 50th year of wedded bliss with you.”
Oom was a man of great intellectual abilities, learned in the Chinese language as well as the English language. In the last few months, he wrote several letters in beautiful English to his 3 sons, quoting old Chinese wisdom and English proverbs.
In July this year, when I came to Singapore, he showed me the letter dated 17 Jan 2004 containing 3 pages of wisdom, written by him and addressed to his 3 sons. Sometime in late October or early November this year when I rang Oom from Kuching, he read the other shorter letters to me and he told me that all those letters he wrote to his 3 sons were the most important legacy that he was leaving his 3 sons, Kong Chong, Kong Hin and Kong Bing, and through them, their wives, Siew Yin, Lian Choo & Amy, and their children, Calvin, Daryl and Sherri and others yet to come, all of whom he loved dearly.
Oom practiced the following philosophy which he had conveyed in one of his recent letters to his 3 sons:-
“Think not of the kindnesses you have shown others but do not for one moment forget even one single act of kindness you have been shown and benefitted from.”
In the early 1980s, when my father-in-law, Oom’s closest friend, became sick with suspected leukemia, it was Oom who insisted that he came to Singapore to seek medical attention and treatment and it was Oom who arranged for the hospitalization, examination and care of my father-in-law in Singapore. Later in 1984, when my father-in-law was critically sick in the Kuching hospital, Oom was there by his side until he breathed his last breath.
He would go out of his way to help his relatives and close friends, if it was within his ability to help. And he asked for nothing in return. In his letter dated 7 October 2004, addressed to his 3 sons, Oom gave them the following lesson, drawn from his personal experience; "It is possible for one to see a crisis and yet not recognize it. Not recognizing a crisis reflects a less than desirable sharpness of the mind. Inaction to remedy a critical situation can be costly, extremely sometimes. It therefore pays to train the mind to be alert and responsive in resolving a crisis promptly.”
I believe that Oom’s lesson was drawn from the event that occurred in 1997 or 1998, when his mother was very sick in Kuching and it became necessary to call for the ambulance to bring her to the hospital. Oom was in Singapore. One of his sisters telephoned Oom to inform him of the situation. Oom asked his sister to describe the symptoms of his mother’s
sickness. While they were still talking over the telephone, the ambulance arrived. Oom asked his sister not to hang up the telephone but to ask the paramedic to speak to Oom. The paramedic went to the phone & talked to Oom and they discussed the situation and Oom suggested the appropriate action and treatment immediately. The paramedic followed Oom’s suggestion and Oom’s mother responded well to the medication before reaching the hospital where she recovered fully after a few days. Of course, Oom flew over to Kuching to be with his mother during hospitalization.
After his mother was discharged from the hospital, Oom spent a lot of time talking to his mother to persuade her, successfully eventually, to come to Singapore to stay with him and Auntie Nani so that he and Auntie Nani could take care of his mother. He felt that it was his filial duty to do so. In his letter dated 17 Jan 2004 addressed to his 3 beloved sons, Oom reminded them of the ancient cautionary saying that:
“Filial piety has to be timely. It is of no consequence to parents who have departed. The warning relates the tale of a man who returns in search of his aged parents, in an earnest desire to care for them, only to find that he has come too late.”
Further, in the said letter, Oom wrote to his 3 sons:
“I am thankful that this time-honoured virtue in Asian societies in particular is accepted and respected in our family.”
Over the years I have learned a lot from Oom, a kind and caring man, fair and just, courteous yet firm when need be, dignified in appearance and in character. In my book, a gentleman.
In his letter of 17 Jan 2004, Oom noted that
“the Analects circa 600 B.C., recorded that it was believed that at age 50, one knows or should know what Heaven will or will not grant, and that by age 70, one accepts what must be done must be done. Only then can one say one is free of cares and free to do what the heart pleases.”
Goodbye my beloved friend. Have a safe journey and may your destination be a place where you are free of cares and free to do what your heart pleases.
1st December, 2004
Written and delivered by Mr. Chan Kay Poh
No comments:
Post a Comment